Earlier today someone sent me a link to a feelings inventory. I'm pretty much having ALL THE FEELINGS, but specifically: terrified, dazed and torn, generally discombobulated and rattled, exhausted and weary, heartbroken, heavy hearted, frazzled and overwhelmed, fragile, shaky and nostalgic. But ALSO: open-hearted, tender, optimistic, empowered, appreciative, moved, thankful, and touched.
Maybe not all the feelings, but a lot of the feelings. My partner and I just split up after nearly 7 years. It was my choice, but I'm not sure how much that matters to feelings in the aftermath. You don't get to walk away from that amount of time and emotional investment without feeling like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. The earth even. Even if you did it to yourself.
"The mind of heartbreak is like a wild horse. You can't just jump on and expect to ride. It will throw you again and again. So instead you hang around for a while until a sense of mutual trust develops." ~Susan Piver
My decision was rather sudden, and horrifically ill-timed on many levels. And the logistics of the whole thing - the splitting up of this and that, who takes the cats, both cats? What about my daughter still living at home to finish one more semester at a local college before transferring? Where will she go? Where will I go for that matter? Will there be jobs there? Will I be able to swing this whole thing logistically and financially?
A U-haul load of uncertainties, worries, and tumbled up things that need to fall into place. Without too many emotional casualties please.
A lot is written about break ups, but it's a bit unsettling that we don't have any particular societal acknowledgment for it. No insurance coverage for it, no leave time from work for it, and to talk about it openly seems pretty taboo except amongst the closest of friends and family. Celebrities, politicians, bloggers, and social media personalities who thrive on the spotlight often go underground into silence during break ups. Yet marriage, new babies, loss of jobs, and even sickness are talked about without hesitation, and consequently a wider net of support is made available. What gives? It's like we're collectively ashamed and petrified of "the break up".
Or like we're collectively brain-washed into thinking this has to be done in martyr-like private agony.
I don't know. Here I am, an ironically private blogger, feeling like it's important for me to put out there. My life is going to be different from here on out, and it seems important that those who know me, even just a little, aren't left trying to figure out what the catalyst was.
People break up, it happens. And so does the pain and confusion that follows. That's normal too. So yeah, I'm going to be keeping company with a wild horse for a little while. And there's your word, or words, for this week:
Keep it real word-nerds.