100 Words – Pulling Back the Curtain
2011
Pulling the curtain aside for a moment…
Here’s the deal. Many, many things have been wrong in my world for too long a time. I’ve done the obligatory fighting and flailing, acquiesced numbly, dissociated, and finally came up against a thick wall there was just no getting around. Maybe it started with happening upon demons, but that really was just the start.
So I did what any modern girl would do who finds herself faced with a giant wall and unable to move forward. I bought some spiritual books, started meditating like my life depended on it, did yoga, went for long contemplative walks, stopped all but the absolute necessary tasks of life, and got myself an awesome therapist. Who? Promptly diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. As the therapist so sweetly explained it, I’ve lived the majority of my life in a “trauma field”, starting in childhood. (My parents had nothing to do with this by the way, and I feel the need to clarify because the parents always get blamed.)
This is already too much sharing for my taste, but it just so happens that I came across the poet Muriel Rukeseyer yesterday who said in the poem Kathe Kollwitz, “What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.” And those two lines played in my head all through my dreams, and as I went about morning chores, and as I worked, and as I watched a movie, and as I bathed myself, and as I sat on the sunlit porch. Muriel challenges us all to tell our stories, as they are, in the raw, stripped down. She demands that we shove off the shore and go ahead and drown a little. Because when we awaken to our stories, when we share our stories, we are not just redeemed, we heal self and other through the finding of common ground in our words.
As an aside, that link to the poem goes to a poorly copied version full of typos. Grand prize to anyone who can find a clean version. And by Grand Prize I mean I’ll tell you, “you’re awesome! Thanks!”
Don’t expect that I’m going to turn this blog into a blow by blow account of my therapy sessions, or parade the elbow-to-elbow demons dancing in a line all the way back to my childhood, but I thought you should at least know that I’m going through a process of breaking and becoming. And of course I challenge you to find your own version of breaking and becoming. I consider it a rite of passage.
Also, consider this your fair warning that I may not be as active here for a time, and if I am to be honest, I have no idea what things will remain and what things will need to be washed away in this process. I suspect that when I emerge from the melting pot I’ve thrown myself into I’ll still want to read your words and write my own, but maybe it will be different. In the meantime, I’ll call on the army of word-nerds to guest blog if needed.
My pick this week is the loyal Lance who wrote lovely words about falling in love all over again with his family. It is simple, without drama, without a twist at the end, but it is honest and noble.
What I Did on My Summer Vacation
My wife and I thought forward thinking would be to stay home for a vacation. We took our 3 daughters to the zoo, library and the park. The kids taught me their favorite pop songs, changing tastes and styles. I heard, “she’s looking at me”, and, “it’s too hot to play outside daddy, what are you doing?”, 327 times each. Nancy Grace yelled at me about Casey Anthony. We got rained out at the pool.
What did I do on my summer vacation? I fell in love with my family again and again. I’m ready to get back to slaving for the man.
Your family is lucky to have you Lance.
The word this week is from the aforementioned poem:
SPLIT
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You’re welcome to drown with us anytime, m’dear. And don’t worry – we’re flailing along with you. And you know what – even with all this flailing around, I bet we’ll all end up on solid ground, in the end.
Arctic Wren recently posted..100 Words / Prompt: Forward
Thanks darlin.
Thanks for the nod, vel. This is the second time a vacation 100 words has darwn your attention. First it was my wife’s toes, now it’s this. I may quit my job and travel so I can monopolize velvetverbosity.com
not really
You’re right. I hadn’t realized that until now. I guess I’m moved by your obvious love of your wife and kids.
Do the work on yourself and don’t worry about anyone else. It’s the most necessary thing in the world!
Know that you are loved. Do what you gotta do.
I was not familiar with the poem, so I went on a search and found a longer version. Perhaps not better, but richer for the included self-portrait.
Thank you for finding that.
VV-
Your loyal minions are here, whenever, whereever, to whatever extent you can, in whatever manner you choose. Heal thyself, mistress. Your word nerds will be here when you need us.
agreeing wholeHEARTedly with the words written above. Oh, and MUST find that poem because I know that feeling. Hats off to you in your search for you. You will be the richer for it – and so will we all.
still here if you need a nerdy nod – flailing out from all the paperwork piled on my desk in my absence. Mayhaps a 100 word entry will help me .
hugs
Word-nerds are the best!
The docs have speculated that my son’s OCD and anxiety issues are linked to PTSD (his isn’t because of his parents either), so I know about that thick wall too. I’m glad you’ve found a counselor you like and who can help you, that is your priority now. Your minions (thanks for that word Michael) will carry on when you need us.
I loved this piece by Lance. It’s wonderful to read of a husband and father who enjoys his family so much.
I’m getting neurofeedback treatment, which is very effective in helping with PTSD. If you want info let me know.
I’m a little late but here none the less:-)
Linking up a little late as well
Hope you can get everything sorted but don’t rush. We’re not goin’ anywhere
Feel free to poke me if you need another guest post. My life gets a little crazy too but I’ll help if I can. I love this meme!
it helps if you type your email correctly :p
I have similar issues btw, vel….recognizing them, dealing head on, and talking about them are the best way.
Thanks for sharing.
I’m beginning to glean that this is a normal part of the process of living, and we ought to, as a society, give more credence and permission to “taking time”. I don’t mean the American version of vacations either. I mean taking time in solitude to re-center, re-ground, rethink, re-orient, and realign.
indeed – in all our busyness of business and play and mothering and spouse-ing or partnering we all too often forget to take those precious minutes for ourselves. Without introspection and inspection of our inner thoughts – without quietude – we all either fold up into ourselves or become blathering, screaming “fishwives”. Oh, wait . . . maybe that’s just me.
Good journey, VV good journey. (walks away reminding herself to be cautious in her own journeying)
>..<
Remember, you’re not alone.
I too must take time to sort and soothe and succumb. Alas, the past 8 years of childbearing and early years rearing has ensured that I have little to none, but that’s just part of the process as well.
Take care, I look forward to future 100 words or may just have to do them on my own because it is such a lovely centring activity. I appreciate fully being introduced to it here.
karen