The Artist’s Way | Happening Upon Demons
2011
Sorry to have abandoned you fellow travelers. I won’t say it was laziness or lack of time or busyness that halted progress. Inevitably I bumped up against the naked skulls of my inner demons and I wasn’t ready for it so soon. When we see what is, it means work. It means doing something about what we’ve seen. Committing to 12 weeks of writing and going on dates with my artist self and digging and poking in the mud of the psyche — these things I was prepared for. Foolishly I thought it would be an easy journey. I saw it as an upward journey; take the steps one in front of the other and reach the summit at sunrise. I expected fluttering openings like so many butterflies emerging, transformations from the mundane to the exquisite.
What I got, what I found, were bones.
I walked into the journey thinking I would uncover a quaint creativity. It was, after all, what I’ve always been taught about creativity. I thought I would discover the strength to take my writing more seriously, maybe write a book after all. I thought I would rediscover chalky pastel drawings that I could create and collect, perhaps frame a few or turn them into greeting cards and give them as gifts to friends and family.
I did not expect to find the bones of my long-haired, bare-footed self full of mystery and polished rocks and moss in her pockets. I did not expect to see the landscape of my life shift before my eyes. I did not expect to meet my cackling crone. I did not expect sadness and rage. I did not expect that I would be shoved so forcefully into dissatisfaction with the life I’ve accepted.
I am not a butterfly emerging with damp wings into sunlight. I am a collection of women, young to old, pushing against walls, gnawing at limbs to escape steely-teethed traps, screaming at the bottom of a pit, shooting rocks into the red eyes of predators with a slingshot. All of it rumbling from the core, sending shock-waves to the surface of my life.
It is not a quaint creativity in me just waiting to be gently dusted off. What it is exactly I cannot say except that it is hungry and large and untamed and certainly not ready to come to the table to engage in polite conversation and keep its elbows off the table.
And that is why I haven’t checked in. What is and what wants to be are at war, and I’m unclear who will emerge alive from the battle.
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100 Words – Pulling Back the Curtain
[...] and finally came up against a thick wall there was just no getting around. Maybe it started with happening ...
“I did not expect that I would be shoved so forcefully into dissatisfaction with the life I’ve accepted.”
That line resonates with me. That is exactly what happened to me over the last two years as I tried to recommit to creativity, just as you are. I tried doing the Artist’s Way and could never maintain it. However, that “dissatisfaction with the life I’ve accepted” slowly overwhelmed me, pulling me slowly into an abyss until I had no choice but to react to it by making major life changes.
I absolutely love the way you have captured this feeling, which is so difficult to describe, especially to people who don’t have that consuming, powerful creative force at their core.
cara recently posted..Tao Te Ching- 35
Cara,
Thanks for your comment. I visited your site, and it’s obvious you’ve come through the shifting. Your photography is beautiful. Glad you stopped by.
I hear you – I met my crone several years ago – I’m finding the butterfly now. Hanging in there with you.
Barbara recently posted..Week 4 Check-in
I’d love to read a story about meeting your crone. Maybe you’ll tell us about it?
hmmm – first butterflies and now crones?
I will have to see if I can put it into words. Oh, wait . . . that is what I do, right? Right – a challenge indeed. 
Barbara recently posted..Nathan – in 100 Words
Wow. This sounds so familiar. I worked my way through The Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius a number of years ago. Like you, my expectation of a process that would let me stretch and strengthen my spiritual wings was instead an intensely difficult and painful journey through what and who I was, at the core. It changed me – in a good way — but certainly not in the way I expected. …which is good. I don’t think I would have ventured down that particular path otherwise. So, this is a longwinded way of saying — stick with it. Its a good process. Even if it isn’t much fun.
Annette recently posted..Poetry Tow Truck Prompt 21- Line by Line
Growth never seems to come in the way we expect.
Phew … I have not taken The Artist’s Way challenge with you, exactly because I am not prepared. I’m not sure that I’m afraid … okay, I’m so totally terrified of the can of proverbial worms … but wow. I haven’t been following you for very long and, for all I know you are already this divine of a writer, but the words that have spilled upon my screen grip at my gut. And for that, I’m (a) bookmarking this post and (b) truly grateful. Wishing you well on this journey, whatever it may be.
karen recently posted..creating the perfect human race
I don’t think you’ll ever feel less afraid. At least that’s not been my experience in life. Thank you for your kind comments.
This is beautiful and incredibly powerful.
Mama Zen recently posted..The Preacher
Thank you.
My heart goes out to you. I’m not the one who could say it will be alright because in my experience it’s the beginning of turning your life upside down. What I can say, though, is that if you ride it out and do what your wise self demands, your life will never be the same. Just when you’re sure you can’t do what is called for, jump and the net will appear.
Grandmother recently posted..Roses in the Vineyards
That’s exactly what it feels like, “the beginning of turning your life upside down”. It is exhilarating, terrifying, wild. There is an utter groundlessness to it. In the end it could be that it’s nothing more than chalky pastels and greeting cards, but what it feels like is stepping into nothingness without skin and asking the void to create me.
That’s rough, huh? But beautifully presented. I went through those kinds of feelings my first two weeks into the challenge. The last couple of weeks, I realize, I’m kinda ignoring Cameron. She’s relentlessly annoying and I don’t think I trust her anymore. So I skip straight to the tasks which are pretty eye-opening – I don’t need all her commentary and self-righteousness to accompany them. But I sense you’re on the brink of something spectacular, seriously. So I wish you the best!
I eagerly read these comments tonight, because I’d been considering starting an Artist’s Way challenge for a couple/few years. Unfortunately, I must have missed your Week 1 announcement, VV, or I might have jumped into this one.
I wrote a column recently, and posted it on my blog, to try to drum up interest in a challenge. But some of these comments have given me pause. I’m scheduled to start mine on July 4…I better gear up for a rockier road than I’d anticipated. And to be honest, I expected it to be tough. Looks like it might be even tougher. But rewarding if you can make it to the other side.
Thanks for your words, VV. They’re gorgeous and honest, as always.
Gregg recently posted..Creativity Seekers Encouraged to Apply